Understanding Bids for Connection and the Emotional Bank Account in Relationships
Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned relationship researcher and has been studying people and couples for the last 40 years. In his research he’s found that “turning toward” bids and having a high emotional bank is very important for a lasting relationship. Bids for connection, according to Dr. John Gottman, “is an attempt to get attention, affections, or acceptance” from others. The bid is for emotional connection with someone that you love and care about. Through his research, he found that couples that turn towards each other during these bids for connection, have a greater chance of staying together. Turning towards your partner when they make a bid is simply that. You turn towards them and acknowledge what they are saying or doing. Dr. John Gottman found that couples that have a happy relationship turn towards each other 86% of the time. And those that have an unhappy relationship, turn towards each other only 33% of the time. That simple gesture creates a connection that then adds to an emotional bank account. This emotional bank account works just like a financial bank account. The more positive connections you add to it, the more it’s going to flourish. When the emotional bank account is high, it allows you and your partner to feel safe in the relationship, view each other and the relationship in a positive light, and feel relaxed in the relationship. Then if you have to withdraw from this account due to an argument or failed bids, you don’t feel the effects as much due to the positives outweighing the negatives.
When the emotional bank account is low, due to not receiving enough positive connections, some anxiety in the relationship can begin to set in. You start to view your partner and the relationship in a negative light, you feel emotionally unsafe in the relationship, and you feel unsettled.
So what does a bid look like? Some bids are easy to recognize and others are harder to see. Initially, you and your partner may have such a low emotional bank account that it might even be hard to recognize the bids. However, with some practice and being mindful, you’ll be able to catch on to when each of you is trying to connect with the other and be able to turn towards. Below are a few common bid themes to help you and your partner begin to catch the bids.
Pay attention to what I say
“How do I look?”, “Did you see that dog over there?”
Respond to simple requests
“Could you take the dog for a walk?”, “Could you get me some water?”
Help or work with me
“Let's clean up the house.”
Show interest or active excitement in my accomplishments
“Do you like the meal?”, “I got a promotion at work.”
Answer my questions or requests for information
“John is on the way, can you give him our address?”
Chat with me
“Let me tell you about my day at work.”
Share the events of our day with me
“What have you been up to today?”
Respond to my joke
“Did you hear the one about…?”
Help me de-stress
“I’ve been working all day, I’m really tired.”
Help me problem solve
“Molly wants to go for a walk, but my foot hurts.”
Be affectionate
“Come cuddle with me.”
Play with me
“Let’s play scrabble.”
Join me in an adventure
“Do you want to go for a drive tomorrow?”
Join me in learning something
“Let’s go take a cooking class.”
As you and your partner are beginning this process of turning towards, it’s okay to even say to each other, “I’m trying to connect” or “I’m making a bid”. It’s also important to understand that it’s not possible to turn towards 100% of the time, so don’t expect that from your partner or yourself. The key is to have more successes at turning towards than turning away.
In addition to turning towards each other, try doing some of the following to increase your emotional bank account.
Catch your partner doing something good and say thank you
Give your partner a compliment
Do something nice for your partner
Show genuine interest in your partner and their world
Show your partner physical affection
Spend quality time with your partner
Give them a “I’m just thinking of you” gift
By engaging in these simple practices each day, the emotional bank in the relationship will be high and the relationship will be able to manage the lows more effectively. You’ll start to see a stronger relationship which in turn leads to a happier and lasting relationship.
Resources:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away
https://www.gottman.com/blog/everyday-ways-to-fill-your-emotional-bank-account/